The Humor of Rowdy Richard
Life is easier when you have a smile or chuckle
to start your day!
During a routine checkup a dentist asked his patient if he was eating any different foods lately.
The man replied that yes, his wife had learned to make a wonderful hollandaise sauce, and that he had been eating it on just about everything.
"Well," the dentist said. "I think the acidity in the sauce's lemon juice is eroding your denture plate. "I'll make you a new one, but this time I'll make it out of chrome."
"Chrome" the patient asked, "Why chrome?"
"Because," the dentist replied,
......"Everyone knows there"s no place like chrome for the hollandaise."
A husband and wife were given a 40th wedding anniversary party. Out of the big cake popped a genie. Turning to the wife the genie said you can have any one wish. The wife, excited, says she would like to have two tickets for an around-the-world cruise. POP, just like that the tickets are in her hand.
Turning to the husband the genie makes the same offer. The husband quickly responds, "I would like to have a wife that is 30 years younger than I. POP, just like that he became 90.
A doctor says to his patient after giving him his physical, "I'll be back to you in about a week with the results." Seven days later the patient answers his phone and it's the doctor.
"I've got some bad news and some worse news for you, which do you want to hear first?" "Go ahead and give me the bad news first."
"The bad news is you only have 24 hours to live."
"If that's the bad news, what could be worse?"
"I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."
A man walks into a drug store and heads to the back to speak to the pharmacist. "Do you have anything for hiccups?" the customer asked. Without warning the pharmacist reached over and smacked the man in the stomach.
"Did that help?" he asked. "I don't know, " the startled man replied, "I'll have to ask my wife. She's waiting in the car."
Money will buy everything but happiness—and a few people.
A black cat may bring luck, but you can't make a mouse believe it.
The man who thinks he knows it all enjoys the delusion.
The meanest way yet suggested of raising revenue comes from a French municipality where they have been trying to collect a tax on baby carriages.
A young man was interviewing for a job as a lion tamer.
"I understand your father was a lion tamer too" the circus manager said. "So he must have taught you the tricks of the trade."
"Taught me everything I know." said the young man.
"Can you train the lions to jump through flaming hoops?"
"Can you train them to walk on their hind legs?"
"Without a problem," replied the young man.
"Have you ever put your head in a lion's mouth?"
"Only once," the applicant admitted, "to look for my father."
A preacher goes to a nursing home to meet an elderly parishioner.
As he is sitting there he notices this bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one.
As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another.
By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty. He says, "Ma'am, I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."
"That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put 'em back in the bowl."
This is what the "snowbirds" have to say about those they left up North.
- 60° above zero Floridians turn the heat on. People in New England plant gardens.
- 50° above zero Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in New England sunbathe.
- 40° above zero Italian and German cars won't start. People in New England drive with the top down.
- 32° above zero Distilled water freezes. Moosehead Lake's water gets thicker.
- 20° above zero Floridians don coats with, maybe thernal underwear, gloves and hats. People in New England throw on a flannel shirt.
- 15° above zero New York landlords finally turn on the heat. People in New England have the last cookout before it turns cold.
- Zero° People in Miami die – or return to Cuba. New Englanders close the windows.
- 10° below zero Californians go to Mexico. People in New England get out their winter coats.
- 25° below zero Hollywood disintegrates. Girl Scouts in New England are selling cookies door to door.
- 40° below zero Washington DC runs out of hot air. People in New England let the dogs sleep inside.
- 100° below zero Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in New England get frustrated because "the British caah won't staaht."
- 275° below zero All atomic motion stops. (Absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). People in New England start saying, "cold 'nuff foh ya?"
- 500° below zero Hell freezes over. Red Sox win the World Series.
And we snowbirds enjoy another warm winter in Southwest Florida!
There were three sisters, 92, 94, and 96 years old that lived together.
One night the 96-year old drew a bath. As she put her foot in the bath she paused, "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells to her sister.
The 94-year old yelled back, "I don't know, but I'll come up and see."
As she starts up the stairs she suddenly stops. She shouts out, "Was I going up or coming down?"
The 92-year old was sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocks on the wooden table for good measure.
Then she yells up to her two sisters, "I'll come up and help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."